Top Chef Chicago Reunion

Bravo's Andy Cohen hosted the awkwardly named "Bravo See What Happens Top Chef Season Four Chicago Mostly Gay Reunion Show," along with Gail, Tom, Padma, and Ted. All of the cheftestants were present, except for Richard who was live via satellite from Atlanta where he was awaiting the birth of his daughter. Plus Bravo spent all their money on the special prizes for the Elimination Challenges this year and didn't have enough for one more plane ticket.

First off, Andy congratulates Top Chef Stephanie and then asks Lisa how she feels about the situation. Lisa was completely pleased with her performance in the finale and even thought she might win. A round of snickers went up around her.

Andy then asks the chefs if there are any regrets. Dale regrets the caramel sauce, because of course it got his ass kicked off the show. Jen wishes she hadn't used the word "phallic" because now that she's looked it up in the dictionary and knows what it means, she feels all icky about it. Especially since Padma got so excited upon hearing it. Spike said it was probably too hot in the bathtub.

Which brings us to the many bromances that brewed all season long. We knew about some of them, but...Richard and Dale?

Apparently Richard had a thing for Dale's nipples. Who knew? Maybe he was just missing his wife a whole helluva lot?

Andrew and Spike fell in love at first sight. Andrew was happy to "meet a cat I could connect with." And do other things.

Spike couldn't decide whether he loved Andrew or Mark more.

Then the conversation turned from man-man-man love to the ever-popular girl-on-girl action. Andy wanted to know if there was any truth to the Internet rumor that Zoi and Jen had broken up. Jen muttered something about maybe having gone through some rough patches, and Zoi said she didn't want to talk about it. Looks suspiciously like they've broken up. I thought Zoi was "the love of [your] life, Jen?

Then we get a montage of Spike's Extreme Asshattery throughout the series, already well-covered in this blog so I'm not going to bother rehashing it. (Sorry, Evangelos Mendelsohn - you've already got too much free PR from me!) Stephanie admits that she hates him for at least the first eight episodes, then has a change of heart when she realizes he's a really awesome guy. Andrew apparently slipped her some of whatever he's been on all season to get her to change her mind that dramatically.

Ryan gets a montage of what he does best, babbling bullshit, disguised as being "well-spoken." Nimma, Valerie, Erik, & Nikki barely get any face time. Manuel is allowed to say a few words. But none of them are lesbians or involved in a bromance so of course they're not interesting to the home audience.

Then there's this whole new thing we've never seen on the show - Antonia as the "Black Hammer" because she seemed to have a knack for getting others eliminated. It's called "being a better chef."

A montage featuring the Glad Family of Products Commemorative Storage Room, a.k.a. the stew room, comes next. Judging can take 6-8 hours and sometimes the cheftestants got a little wacky while waiting. Plus there was an endless supply of Michelob with which to fuel the crazy. Out front, it wasn't any easier on the judges and sometimes Gail liked to take a wee nap to keep her boobies refreshed and perky.

The topic then turns to Lisa and her crappy attitude. We are forced to watch a montage of bitchface and double chins, for which Lisa is in no way apologetic. She almost bragged that people on the street sneered at her, and even other lesbos were afraid to approach her in bars because she might have her knife kit with her. "I make good TV; maybe I'll get an Emmy."

In a perfect world, the next topic of conversation would have been about some of the more prominent guests that appeared this season. That's right - the Boobies.

Andy brought up that he thought Andrew and Gail had a connection this season, and she suddenly got all weird and girly. I hope she realizes she could never replace Spike in his heart.

Time for yet another montage! Andrew, of course, was entertaining enough to merit his own of all the cracked-out things he did and said during the season, and Bravo is kind enough to have a video of it for us to watch over and over again.

One of Andrew's most famous bons mots earned him his very own Bravo T-shirt, modeled for us by Spike and available at the Bravo store (sold out at the moment). I am so getting one of those.

The next montage (man, I'm getting sick of these) is a symphony of bleeps as it deals with the rampant cursing among the cast, not only in "private" but during their candid interviews. Chefs curse - it's a fact of nature. Why is that surprising?

Then Blais gets his own montage of shots of him playing with tiny smokers, immersion circulators, and other gastronomical gadgetry. Andrew compares him to Felix the Cat because he has such a bag of tricks. Andy Cohen mentions that Richard has received a gift for the new baby from Bravo - a onesie printed with the Top Chef logo, a baby spoon substituting for the knife. (If it were Lisa's baby, no doubt the knife would be left in.)

Finally, finally, for crap's sake, we find out who the Fan Favorite is. I admit to stuffing the ballot box for Richard (and maybe one or two votes for Dale) so I was disappointed to find out the winner is: Stephanie. Hasn't she won enough already? Sheesh. :::tossing remote on the table, walking away::::

I'm done. Seeya next season.