Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Eleven

Welcome to the end of Week Eleven! Is everyone still relatively sane out there? I know I get close to wigging out sometimes, but so far I have kept it together. No shame if you haven't, of course. Some people are having a hard time with all of this isolation. I'm not a people person, and I actually like staying home, so it's less difficult for me than for others.

While it's still Pandemic Central in the US, with who knows how many weeks to go, we're almost done with this season of Top Chef! Two weeks of finale and that's it. I feel like it flew by pretty quickly, especially compared to the last couple of seasons I watched. (They were interminably long, at least 47 weeks each.) This season has also been helped greatly by the handsome presence of Bryan Voltaggio. I'd better be getting two more weeks of him!

So what happened this week? First, we got the results of Last Chance Kitchen. Kevin was the reigning champ, and he kept his title by beating last week's ejection, Karen. But that wasn't enough! Once Karen was out, the final five cheftestants swaggered into the kitchen. They weren't late to the party, they were the next part of the challenge. Tom announces that despite his exhaustion, Kevin would need to fight three more matches, and if he won 2 of the 3, he'd get back into the main competition. His new opponents were of his choosing: Bryan, Malarkey, and Gregory. The latter two went down, so Kevin was back in the game. We knew that was going to happen, right? But suppose he didn't beat 2 of 3? Would Last Chance Kitchen have been an exercise in futility? Well, apart from Karen coming back a few weeks ago. But she was eliminated again, so yes, maybe futility is the right word.

The next day, after Kevin gets some well-deserved rest, the now-six cheftestants head to the Top Chef Kitchen and find tipsy Padma, drunk on Champagne, lounging in airline-style seats with Jonathan Waxman. Waxman is a pioneer of California Cuisine, but Padma says his biggest achievement is being her friend. Hello, Champagne Padma! (Thank you, Stephanie, for that nickname.) This alter ego reminds me of the old Cannabis Padma--a little off. Definitely slower. Perhaps more fun. Or not. I'm not sure Padma is ever fun. (Keep in mind, Padma's Lawyers, that I am being satirical here, also, offering an opinion.) Anyhoo...the Quickfire Challenge involves making a memorable meal that might be served on an airplane. It must include salad or veg in addition to a main course. Items need to be only as tall as the service trays, as they must be able to fit in an airplane cooker.


Bryan laments that he hasn't yet won a quickfire. Maybe if he followed the rules once in a while? But he's oblivious - he's just cooking VOLT food all the time. It's as if he doesn't own other restaurants that don't serve tweezer food. He's decided to make braised chicken thighs with green lentils and a side salad with green goddess dressing. Will that be enough to win him a prize? (I can't eat lentils, not even for Bryan. If I were a judge, the answer would be...of course he wins! I am biased.)

Meanwhile, Champagne Padma offers Jonathan some nuts to nibble (not hers). She also inquires as to his favorite (probably his own).

Knives down! Padma and Jonathan stay where they are--seated, with champagne--and the cheftestants bring the food to them. Padma struggles with the parchment that Stephanie used for her rockfish en papillotte, and with cutting Malarkey's tough pork chop. Are both dishes really that difficult to deal with, or is it the champagne? Annnnd....Bryan's lentils are undercooked. Champagne Padma dings the three of for their offenses. Meanwhile, both she and Jonathan enjoyed Kevin's meatballs, though they were a bit too tall. Melissa's beef curry served with tofu salad was the biggest hit of the day, however, earning her the win and a benefit in the next challenge.

Champagne Padma then reveals the location of this season's finale: Tuscany. Only five of the six remaining cheftestants will go. Everyone wants to go. I want to go. (Maybe not right now, but someday.)  First, the Elimination Challenge, which is to create a dish inspired by the food and philosophy of Michael's Santa Monica, an iconic restaurant celebrating its 40th anniversary. Jonathan Waxman worked there, along with a pantheon of cooking greats: Roy Yamaguchi; Sang Yoon; Mark Peel. Even Top Chef winner Brooke Williamson. The cheftestants will visit the restaurant for dinner and to meet owner Michael McCarty, a pioneer of California Cuisine.

After the chefs shower and change, all six of them pile into one Sponsorship Mobile and head to the restaurant. Bryan is driving, as usual. He must enjoy sitting in traffic. Once at the restaurant, they are served some classic Michael's dishes by current chef Brian Bornemann. They include an angel hair pasta with chardonnay cream sauce and diver scallops, grilled quail, and heirloom beet risotto with monkfish wrapped in crispy prosciutto (courtesy of Brooke Williamson, who was a sous at Michael's by the tender age of 19). Then comes sweetbreads with veal loin, chanterelle mushrooms and white truffle, followed by grilled lamb saddle with potato galette and red currant cassis sauce. Finally, they get duck two ways, a grilled breast and confit thigh with wild rice and blood orange sauce. The knife block appears, and Melissa gets her advantage. She chooses the dish she wants to reinterpret first. The remaining chefs choose knives.

Melissa: quail
Kevin: duck
Stephanie: scallops
Bryan: lamb
Gregory: monkfish
Malarkey: veal

After dinner there's shopping. Back at the Top Chef Mansion, bros Kevin and Bryan chatter about being able to go to Italy together. And Malarkey facetimes his kids Sailor and Schmailor. It's their 9th birthday, and dad's a schmuck because he has to be away, feeding his enormous ego in yet another cooking competition, missing time with his family. Womp womp.

The next day, the chefs travel to Michael's and get set up in the tiny kitchen, which is apparently 80s style. It's so jam packed with pans, squeeze bottles of condiments, and other kitchen paraphernalia, it looks like my kitchen. I hope they have more counter space than I do. Everybody tells us what they're going to cook, and I groan when I hear that Malarkey is going to make a duo. Duos are pretty much the kiss of death on Top Chef, and he knows it. But he filled his shopping cart with pomegranate and other fruit that aren't going to work with truffles, and he has to use them somehow. Gregory is making a risotto, which also tends to be unpopular with the judges. Melissa is going to Asian-ify her quail, which makes sense from a culinary standpoint, and Kevin's decision to turn duck confit and wild rice into a croquette sounds amazing. Bryan is going to elevate the shit out of his lamb, because that's what he does. I can almost hear the tweezers clicking.

Jonathan Waxman joins Tom on the Sniff N Sneer. He's such a pleasant-seeming person; I always enjoy seeing him.

Out in the restaurant, the judges arrive and take their place at a long center table, with other invited foodies filling the remainder of the room. Champagne Padma is nowhere in sight. Instead we get regular Boring Padma. Will someone please bring her a bottle and a glass?

Gregory's dish comes out with Stephanie's. His monkfish and beet risotto was meant be accompanied by a crispy prosciutto chip, but he remembered them just as time was up--too late. Jonathan claims to love his interpretation, but was expecting that porky bit. Though everyone seemed to enjoy Stephanie's version of scallops and pasta, served with fancy little caramelle, Roy Yamaguchi opined that it was one dimensional. Bryan's treatment of lamb, served with fondant potato, was simple and refined, but lacked "wow." Kevin's duck dish was a hit, especially the croquette.

Some of Malarkey's specially-plated dishes didn't make it to the judges; apparently other diners got to enjoy them. But the judges were probably full by then and were willing to share. As usual, there were too many things on his plate. His "duo" was essentially two separate and disparate dishes, ones that didn't taste good together. Finally, Melissa's quail was deemed to have highlighted the bird itself, always a plus.

Back at the kitchen, Melissa wins and is the first to reserve a seat to Tuscany. Jonathan tells Stephanie that the race was close between her dish and Melissa's, so she's going to Italy as well. And so are Bryan and Kevin, who jump up and down and embrace each other. But will it be Gregory or Malarkey getting that final plane ticket? While the judges missed Greg's crisp prosciutto and felt the fish got lost, Malarkey's dishes didn't evoke the original Michael McCarty dish. Malarkey starts a speech about being exhausted and having had a great ride. Padma wants to know if he's quitting.

He doesn't have to quit. Malarkey is out. Finally. (Not that I don't like him, I just find him annoying.)

Next week: Part one of the finale, in Italy!

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Appreciating What We Have

Today is Memorial Day, and I know many of you are griping that you cannot celebrate the holiday the way you would like. There will be no large family gatherings (at least, there shouldn't be) or neighborhood block parties (again, there shouldn't be), or gatherings of clustered maskless folks in enclosed spaces (once more--there shouldn't be). Honestly, I don't care what your state tells you is ok, it's most likely not. (I welcome you to come back in 6 weeks if there hasn't been a spike of cases and tell me I was wrong.)

This whole situation has been going on for ten weeks now, and honestly I have gotten pretty used to spending 80% of my time in my own dining room with no company other than my husband and our dog. Last week, however, we had the opportunity to get out of the house and socialize. It was Dara's birthday, and she invited friends to come over and sit on her lawn, 6'+ away from each other, to enjoy cake and company. We were to arrive in shifts, and fortunately our shift overlapped with that of other friends, the Keefers, whom we have not seen at all in 2020. We spent a good hour or more discussing life after Covid, the current season of Top Chef, and the local restaurant industry. I haven't had such a good time in, well, at least 10 weeks! And I realized that such simple pleasures--sitting in the sun, talking with friends--are among the most important things in life. Not haircuts and manicures or going to bars.

Stay well, readers. See you on Thursday for our next recap.

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Ten

Episode Ten, or, The Panna Cotta Caper.


Did I think, when I started recapping this season of Top Chef, that I'd still be doing it from home in Week 10? Yes, actually. I was thinking we'd be home at least 12 weeks, but it's looking like it will be far longer--for me at least. I feel like I have some form of Stockholm Syndrome. Not that I have fallen in love with my "captors," but that I have come to strongly agree with the whole stay at home thing and am not planning to go anywhere anytime soon. Sure, I miss hanging out with people, one or two in particular, but as an introvert, I don't crave it. I did get to spend a little time with a few friends this week--outside, 6+ feet apart, on a windy day--and it was nice. We talked about food, the fate of restaurants (one friend was a chef, another the doyenne of the Baltimore food scene), and Top Chef. My chef friend thinks Gregory has what it takes to win it all. Maybe Melissa. You all know I'm rooting for Bryan, but I don't dislike anyone this season. Hell, I'd be happy if Stephanie won, as she is very much the underdog in this competition.

I wasn't really feeling this episode. It wasn't exciting to me. But then very little is these days.

When the cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen, they find Padma standing with Sherry Yard, pastry chef extraordinaire. Yard has won 3 James Beard awards and spent nearly 20 years as executive partner for Wolfgang Puck's restaurant group, in charge of pastries for Spago, etc., and is eminently qualified to judge the Quickfire Challenge.

Each cheftestant must create a dessert to wow Sherry. They have access to a basic pantry of flour, eggs, butter, etc, but they must "win" more exotic ingredients via a blind taste test. This Quickfire is my favorite every season, and it's nice to see it get a little twist. I get a perverse pleasure of watching people put strange things in their mouths. (Get your mind out of the gutter!) A spoonful of gloppy/milky/mealy ricotta cheese or hot sauce makes for some interesting facial expressions. This season, each chef gets 5 minutes to taste and identify as many of a selection of 20 items as possible. Items that are identified correctly may be used in their dish; also, the more correct, the more time they get to cook. Two chefs with the highest score get an hour, the two lowest get 30 minutes, and the two in the middle get 45 minutes.

Everyone leaves the room except Bryan, who starts off the blind tasting. His palate is good enough to score him 45 minutes of cooking; the same goes for Melissa. Stephanie has the highest score, with 15 of 20, and gets an hour, Gregory also gets an hour.

Karen and Malarkey suck balls at this game, correctly identifying 8 and 7 ingredients (out of 20) respectively, and get a mere 30 minutes to work. Honestly? Are their palates that bad? I'd love to participate in a blindfolded tastings and think I'd do pretty well.

I don't know why chefs choose to make panna cotta in a competition with a time crunch. Like Chopped. Thirty minutes isn't enough to get gelatin to set, even in a blast chiller. Karen finds that out the hard way. Malarkey is smarter, choosing to bake a cake in the wood oven. If one of those things can cook a pizza in 90 seconds, a cake shouldn't take much longer, huh? He also makes ice cream for the third time in this competition. Melissa was smart to have several desserts in her arsenal already, including an olive oil pistachio cake that she makes in a muffin tin and serves with a custard she turns into ice cream with the help of liquid nitrogen. Stephanie also uses science to make the ice cream to accompany her peach and tarragon crostata because the ice cream maker is still full of Malarkey's residue.

 And then we have Gregory and Bryan. Bryan has created desserts for his restaurants, so it's not like he doesn't know what he's doing. But maybe he doesn't? He serves a bowl of wet sawdust that is allegedly lychee curd with macerated peaches and coconut. Gregory also makes a bowl of that involves coconut and milk chocolate curd and a whole bunch of toppings but also looks like wet sawdust. Or even worse--oatmeal. I dunno. If I was served a bowl of curd with stuff on it in an expensive restaurant (which means it would be a $12 bowl of curd), I'd probably throw it at the chef and demand some cake.

Padma and Sherry are especially stone-faced. There seemed to be far more smiles and compliments during the last 9 tastings. These ladies find the most fault with Karen's un-set panna cotta, and Bryan's bowl of sawdust...not because it was sawdust, but because the ingredients were too flavorful and competed with each other. Melissa's and Malarkey's cakes put them on top, with Melissa getting the win and an advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Which is...

The Cheftestants will cook for a group of elite Olympic athletes making dishes inspired by Japan. Huh? Well, the Summer Olympics were going to be held in Japan this year. Yeah, I completely forgot this was an Olympics year, too. Emphasis on was. The event has been reschedule for 2021, and there's no saying it will happen then, either. But when Top Chef was filmed, last fall, there was no hint of the coronavirus disaster that would put much of our lives on hold. Ah, don't we all long for those good old days, those innocent times, to return? Those days of sitting in traffic as we commute to work, flipping the bird to those assholes who cut us off on the beltway, and buying gas more than once every 10 weeks! Those days of being able to push our shopping carts right up against the person ahead of us in line because we are in such a goddamn hurry to put our stuff on the conveyor belt! Those days before every toddler in the neighborhood had a skateboard, scooter, or bike and got in my way as I attempted to walk my kid-hating dog! (I quite miss those toddler-free days, actually.)

But I digress.

Before the chefs do anything, they get to eat some fancy Japanese grub. Niki Nakayama and Carole Iidi-Nakayama, co-owners of the restaurant n/Naka are on hand to feed the cheftestants and discuss the art of kaiseki, or a multi-course dinner of very special dishes. The challenge is for each chef to create one course of a 6-course progressive dinner to be served at the LA Coliseum. Now, I'm not sure why they felt the need to use the word "progressive." When used to describe a meal, it normally means that each course is eaten somewhere else, be it a home or restaurant. Though each course will be prepared by a different chef, it will be served in the same location to the same people sitting at the same table. Or will it? Perhaps, being that the diners are Olympic athletes, the chefs will be chasing them up and down the aisles while doing backflips? While that might be fun, it would smack too much of that terrible season filmed in Texas, specifically the episode in which the chefs were made to source ingredients while riding a bike around the Alamo in 110 degree heat. Ugh. Coincidentally, the finale that year was made to recreate the 2010 Winter Olympics, replete with events such as the biathlon (with guns!), cooking in a moving ski gondola, and the newest and perhaps most dangerous event, hacking ingredients frozen into a block of ice with an icepick. God, I hated that season.

And I digress yet again.

After the chefs ooh and aah over the delicate meal, Melissa gets to use her advantage. She chooses which course she wants before assigning the rest. But she's nice. Rather than stick her competitors with something they might not want, she attempts to match them to their strengths. Better to win (or lose) against strong competition. The bonus for this week's winner is a trip to the 2020 Olympics! Or wait...2021. (2022?) Much better than Gregory's prize of several weeks ago--a trip to his living room to watch the new Trolls movie while on a Zoom meeting with Nini, his date for the event.

The courses shake out like this:

1st course Sakizuke (app) - Bryan
2nd course Owan (soup) - Malarkey
3rd course Yakimono (grilled) - Karen
4th course Mushimono (steamed) - Melissa
5th course Shokuji (rice) - Gregory
6th course Mizumono (dessert) - Stephanie

This kind of thing seems particularly up Bryan's alley. His restaurant, Volt, in Frederick, Maryland, used to serve a 21-course meal called Table 21, a bargain at $120 per person. (Currently Chef's Counter is 15 courses for $150.) It's been 10 years since I ate Bryan's Voltaggio-style kaiseki, and if we ever get out of this pandemic (and if Volt is able to reopen), I think it's high time to experience it again. Mostly to see Bryan frown at me repeatedly while threatening me with tweezers. (Let me have my fantasy, ok?)

The cheftestants then hit up Whole Foods for a late night shopping trip (it's dark outside).

It's so dark that Malarkey calls Bryan by his brother's name. Though they have the same coloring, I don't think the two resemble each other all that much.

The next day, the chefs head to the iconic LA Coliseum. IIRC, the word "iconic" was bandied about a lot this week. It may even been used correctly. As they cook, the judges (including Nilou Motamed in place of lookalike Gail Simmons and both Nakayamas) arrive with athletes like gymnast Nastia Liukin and beach volleyball player Kerri Walsh Jennings. Bryan serves his scallop crudo dish first to many compliments. Malarkey, Karen, Melissa, and Gregory have all done something displeasing, be it a lack of acid or seasoning or an errant bit of crab shell. Stephanie is then roundly praised for her panna cotta served in a lemon.

Back in the kitchen, Padma announces that the unanimous winner of the challenge is Stephanie. Surprise! After Bryan looks sad, they tell him that they also loved his dish, which seems to mollify the loss. The two of of them are told to stand to the side as the remaining four chefs are scolded for their mistakes. Malarkey's celery root overwhelmed his dish. Karen's duck was unevenly cut and the skin should have been crisp. Melissa's chawanmushi was delicious but there were bits of shell. And Gregory's dish was a festival of bland.

You can probably tell that I ran out of steam while writing about the Quickfire. I think that happens every week. Please let me know if you want me to cut the narrative there and add more to the Elimination section of the recap. I might not do it, but at least I know.

Karen is out. Time to face Kevin (and apparently everyone else left) in Last Chance Kitchen.

Next week: something something almost over something.

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Pandemic Eats, Week 1-8, Home Edition

While we ate a lot of carry out and delivery food during the first 8 weeks of #stayhome, we also cooked regularly, too. Some of the food was completely from scratch, while other dishes repurposed restaurant leftovers. (I hate food waste, and you should, too.)

On the Tuesday of what would become Week One, I had tickets to The Band's Visit at the Hippodrome, and I had planned to take my friend Jeremy. The show was postponed pretty early on, so he and I made alternate plans. Those alternate plans were also changed by coronavirus. Plan C involved J coming over to make us Chinese dumplings, from scratch--wrappers and all. I was sous chef, and I am responsible for the horrible pleating on the dumplings. (I think we added too much water to the dough.) Still, they were delicious, particularly the fried ones.

I made gluten free apple pie for dessert, which we consumed with an Irish coffee on the side. Pierish coffee, as J calls it. It's not a thing, yet, but it should be.

My friend Laurie, @Baltimorehomecook on Instagram, started a project of making pasta and delivering it to folks. I can't turn down her homemade cavatelli, which I served with chopped up Italian cold cuts, spinach, parm, and fresh chives.

I was still attempting to continue Whole30 at this point, so these pancakes are made with Bob's Red Mill gluten free one-to-one flour.

Then I decided, since I wasn't losing anything, that I'd allow some gluten back into my life. Like the crust on this ham and brie quiche.

And the pumpernickel bread used for this toasted cheese sandwich served with a quick soup of canned tomatoes, cannellini, and stock, with fresh swiss chard.

Black bean soup with pickled watermelon radish yielded enough to stash a quart in the freeze for future eating.

Leftover pork tenderloin became an element on this salad, a riff on the classic nicoise, with a mustardy vinaigrette and potatoes. Cheese and nuts just because.

I found that beets make great lunch salads. I tried red, chioggia (candy stripe), and gold beets, and determined that the earthy flavor of red goes best with cheese (feta or bleu) and nuts (walnuts or anything else).

Turkey meatballs with creamy pesto were good for a couple of meals.

Ditto this pot roast, which we ate at least 4x.

I like changing up my daily lunch, so when I don't have leftovers to eat, I make something like this beet hummus.

I opened up a jar of Desert Pepper Salsa Rio and knew we wouldn't be able to eat the whole thing before it got funky, so I repurposed it as a soup with cannellini beans, leftover pork, and pickled onions. Cheese quesadilla on the side.

We've been eating a lot of potatoes, mostly baked. One time I got fancy and made Smitten Kitchen's cacio e pepe potatoes Anna. Pretty good, but next time I'll use butter instead of olive oil, for more flavor.

We've had Chinese carry out a few times, from Red Pepper Sichuan in Towson and Asian Kebab and Hot Pot in Lutherville. (They are owned by the folks who operated the late, lamented, Hunan Taste in Catonsville.) A ton of rice meant fried rice one night. I also repurposed some crazy spicy pig ears into this dish, and the avocado mellowed that heat out nicely.

I broke out my recipe for sriracha bouillabaisse one evening to use up a pack of frozen TJ's mahi mahi. With some rouille-coated toasts, it made a fine light supper on two evenings.

What have you been cooking at home?

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!



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Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Nine

Happy Friday, readers! How are you all doing? It's sunny and warm in Baltimore today, quite the change from the overnight lows in the 30s earlier in the week. I've been eating too many carbs recently and feel like a dead cow floating down the Ganges. I'm trying to break a diet plateau, and I hope my month of near-excess does the trick. I'm sure you will see me complain here if it doesn't. (Hopefully that will not put you off coming back to read future recaps!)

This week's episode of Top Chef has a wee bit of Girl Power in it. No, none of the Spice Girls make appearances. No celebrities at all, actually. Instead, we get season 16 winner Kelsey Barnard Clark playing the role of Quickfire guest judge. TBH, Kelsey was the chef I least wanted to win last season. Hunky Eric was my first choice, then Sara. I only watched the finale, but that was enough to make me root for the other cheftestants. No explanations. I'm just putting it out there because this is my blog and I can. Another Top Chef winner, Brooke Williamson, is the guest judge for the Elimination Challenge. Are they hinting at a female winner this season? (Melissa, methinks.) Not-So-Fun Fact: there have only been five female Top Chefs out of 16 seasons of the regular show, 2 of Just Desserts, 1 of Duels, and 5 of Masters.

The clock at the Top Chef Mansion shows that it's 5am and the cameras are already being intrusive. We see Gregory wiping sleep out of his eyes while he's still in bed, and Bryan disembarking from his top bunk, sadly fully clothed. The chefs sit down to breakfast and there are complaints about the coffee. Bryan apologizes, as it's his fault. He's apparently still mopey about his friend Kevin's departure after Restaurant Wars. Bryan suddenly gets up and walks toward the other side of the room and pretends to discover an envelope on a side table.

Director: "Ok, Bryan, go over to the little table by the fireplace and pick up the note."
Bryan: "What's my motivation? Why would I suddenly walk across the room?"
Director: "Um, maybe you need more coffee?"
Bryan: "But the coffee pot is in the other room. I should know--I made coffee this morning, and everyone hated it." [bursts into tears]

Maybe it didn't go down like that. Or maybe it did.

Right, the note. It was from me. "Meet me downstairs in 15. Bring your speedo. Don't tell the other chefs. xo"  I lie. It was actually from Padma, announcing that the cheftestants would be attending "summer camp." Why did I put "summer camp" in quotes? If you remember Malarkey's ranked list of chefs from Episode 5, you might recall that it was dated "9 24 19." Considering that each episode takes roughly two days, and hoping that the producers give the chefs a day off now and again, today's episode was filmed in the first days of October. Regardless (or irregardless, if you're not particularly bright), the general response to the thought of going to camp with Padma was, "um, no thanks." Malarkey prefers to cook indoors, in the city. Lee Anne is suffering from PTSD from her brief appearance on Top Chef Colorado (season 15) in which she had to hike in the snow and suffer altitude sickness. Despite not really wanting to go, the chefs have no choice. They pack warm clothes, load into two of their sponsorship mobiles, and hit the road.

According to Google Maps, their destination is about 90 miles east of Los Angeles, or three days of driving in LA traffic + an hour once they leave the city. Once they arrive, they realize that something is very wrong. It's no ordinary "summer camp!" It's a special Vacation Bible Camp! But before the cheftestants get to have some good clean fun, they have to pass the Quickfire Challenge. Each chef needs to create a grilled dish with show sponsor Bush's canned beans. To make the challenge even more fragrant, the winner will receive $10K and a lifetime supply of Beano. I don't know about you, but I find grilling beans to be exceptionally difficult. They keep falling through the grates....

The chefs use all the varieties of Bush's beans, from seasoned baked to plain varieties. Most choose to do things that are bean-forward, but not our Bryan. He is his own worst enemy this season. Rather than cook a meal that fits the challenge, he tends to cook something that fits with his particular fiddly, tweezer-needing, style of cuisine. His dishes are always amazing, because he is an amazing chef. Also cute. But his good looks aren't enough to make the judges forget that he has never quite seemed to fulfill the challenge. At least not the Quickfire. So it goes this time, as Bryan's bean-juice-marinated meat is on the bottom with Stephanie's weird veggie burger and Melissa's under-filled fried pies. The top toques are Karen, Gregory, and Lee Anne, who laments that she has never won a Quickfire. Until now, that is, with her bean empanada. She plans put the 10K prize toward her wedding expenses, mostly catering.

Padma then tells the cheftestants that they are not the only guests at the camp! There is also a gang of  mommies from all over the country there to drink copious amounts of wine and bitch about their husbands. GIRL POWER! And also Jesus. And because these wenches need sustenance to go with their booze and bitterness, they will be provided brunch. And Bibles. The lucky cheftestants will be providing said brunch; each of them will be responsible for 2 items, each feeding 200 mouths.

But first, the chefs get to play. I mean, prepare their souls for everlasting life and denounce the evils of the world.

After changing into camp-branded apparel, the cheftestants are first made to sit through a lecture on the sinfulness of tattoos, homosexuality, eating shellfish, and worst of all, wearing garments made from a cotton/poly blend. Like chef's coats. They are then made to zipline over a local wildfire to show them just how hot Hell can be.

Afterward, they grill Field Roast plant-based sausages for supper--because pork is evil--and go to bed, boys in one cabin, girls in another. Meanwhile, the mommies are singing Christian karaoke downstairs until 3am.

Just a couple hours later, the chefs pull out their earplugs and prepare for a morning of scrounging ingredients and cooking for the 200+ hungry mouths that at exactly 9am will descend on them like a plague of locusts. There is no Whole Foods near Camp Killmenow, so the cheftestants must use whatever ingredients happen to be in the larder. I imagined SPAM, Twinkies, Wonder Bread, Dinty Moore beef stew, pasteurized process cheese food slices wrapped in clingfilm, more canned beans, and myriad other things that the average camper eats in this great land of ours, and was pleasantly surprised to see that there were also fresh ingredients like spinach and eggs, too.

There's only 4 hours for the chefs to plan dishes, choose ingredients, and cook. Melissa says it's like "straight-up Hunger Games." Malarkey decides he's going to make "sharkshuky," though there's neither fish nor the letter R in that dish. A lack of tomato products makes him change course for something with shrimp, proving that the temptation of Evil is hard to resist.

While the chefs are cooking, Tom comes in for his Sniff N Sneer with Brooke Williamson. She's had some sort of work done. Her hair is definitely highlighted, but maybe also face and/or lip fillers? I can't understand why attractive people do that to themselves. Before long, they slide down that slippery slope into Real Housewives territory. It's probably not a coincidence that both shows are on Bravo.

Someone should revamp Leviticus to mention Polymethyl methacrylate and silicone.

Shortly, the Karens mommies flood into the dining hall and start fighting over bottles of champagne. They all need a little hair of the dog to help combat the wine they drank while caterwauling to Amy Grant and MercyMe. (Don't judge. Jesus drank wine.) The chefs are waiting for them, set up like lunch ladies beyond the buffet, ready to serve and explain their dishes. The judges get in line with the rest of the crowd. There is some squealing when the mommies get to meet Lee Anne, and even more squealing when they spot Bryan there, too. Hands off, ladies! He's mine.

The highlights of the meal were Bryan's carrot salad and Karen's corn cake. Gregory had originally intended to put eggs in his dish of mushrooms and tomatoes, but realized that eggs for 200 would be impossible to pull off. The judges loved his swap of spinach. They also like Stephanie's "breakfast salad" and her biscuits. Everything else was crap. Well, not crap. Malarkey's steak was pretty ok, but his shrimp and chorizo soup was bland and the overcooked shrimp were sure to invoke the wrath of God Almighty. Melissa's romaine and grapefruit salad landed her on the bottom along with Malarkey, and neither of Lee Anne's dishes--an accidentally steamed berry clafoutis and dense donuts--were going to get her into Heaven.

I was feeling the girl power of this episode (also Jesus) until Bryan was declared the winner. I mean, yeah, he finally won a challenge this season, but it also threw the theme I was planning to use in my recap under the bus. Also, he has tattoos! To make matters worse, Lee Anne was the eliminated chef. Clearly her dishes weren't half as sinful as Malarkey's shrimp!

Next week: the remaining 6 cheftestants must create a 6 course progressive Kaiseki meal for Olympic athletes. Which would be great, if any of them knew anything about Japanese food....

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Pandemic Eats - Week 1-8, Take-Out Edition

It's hard to believe that we haven't been able to dine in a restaurant for 8 weeks already. And things were looking up this year! Last year it appeared that we were overlooked for most media feedings, at least in local restaurants. (Chains like Fogo de Chao still liked us though.) This year seemed like it was going to be so much better. In March alone, I was to judge two food events and we had at least 5 invitations to media dinners. Then we were asked to stay home in order to flatten the curve, which doesn't really seem to be happening. While states are starting to re-open businesses, I'm betting that situation is going to revert pretty quickly once infections start increasing again.

In the meantime, we're trying to keep local businesses afloat by getting carry-out or delivery at least once a week. Here are some of the things we've enjoyed over the last 8 weeks.

We had to be in Dundalk in Week 1, and any trip to that part of town deserves a pizza from Squires. We also got crab soup. At this point, we already realized that it might be smart to order enough food to last for more than one meal. At least a dinner and a couple of lunches.

The following weekend, we visited our friends at Cajun Kate's in Wilmington. We brought home 8 quarts of various gumbos and some red beans, and enjoyed this catfish turnover with maque choux and deep fried mac and cheese in the car while we were there.

Red Pepper Sichuan in Towson got the call the following week. This was at least 3 meals.

After that was pizza, wings, and a Lorenzo salad from Earth, Wood, & Fire. Two dinners and a lunch.

Koco's pub came next, for crab cakes that we supplemented with homemade celeri remoulade. Just because. We also got crab soup for a later lunch.

One of our quarts of Cajun Kate's pork gumbo was called into service later that week. Thankfully we were able to get in and out of Delaware before Maryland put the kibosh on out-of-state trips.

We were contacted by Ledo Pizza and asked to promote their $5 calzones on Instagram. They threw in one of their famous square pizzas too. Neither of us had tried Ledo in the past, and we thought their unusual flaky crust was quite good. Two dinners and a lunch.

Silk Road Bistro's Uzbek cuisine, including chicken tabaka, kebabs, and a couple of salads, served us well for two dinners and three lunches.

My brother tipped me off to a place called Asian Kebab and Hot Pot in Lutherville. The place is owned by the former owners of one of our fave Chinese restaurants, Hunan Taste, that closed in 2018. The menu is different, featuring hot pot and kebabs rather than Hunan food, but still quite good. We'll put this place into our permanent rotation, hoping that they stay afloat.

We ordered a dozen bagels and some veggie cream cheese from Bottom's Up Bagels and were pleased to finally find a place that made a proper chewy bagel. We put most of them in the freezer to enjoy later (and we're down to our last 3 already!)

Mr Minx was craving burgers, so we grabbed a couple and some poutine from Clark Burger. I think these burgers taste better at home than perched on an uncomfortable stool in their tiny joint on York Road. While this was only one dinner's worth of food, sometimes ya gotta make sacrifices.

Gypsy's Truckstaurant supplied us with wings, a lamb gyro, and crab cake tacos. for a dinner and a lunch.

We even scored half dozen free donuts from Donut Alliance. The bananas foster one in my hand was my fave, though I also really enjoyed the birthday cake one. The icings have real flavor, unlike those at some other places that will remain nameless. And yes, we ate all 6 on the same day. Donuts get stale, you know.

What have you been eating these last 8 weeks?


* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Eight

Woo...it's the week we've all been waiting for!

Week Eight!

Wait, I mean...Restaurant Wars!

But let's start with Week Eight. How has that been for all of you? Have you retained your sanity? Are you working or not? How much eating and drinking are you doing during our enforced staycation? I'm spending a lot of money on takeout and delivery and booze, but I'm also cooking. Not a lot. I can't work a grueling tough boring 8 hours and then be expected to put a hot and delicious meal on the table. And it has to be delicious. I have never been and never will be a person who relies on a lot of convenience foods (not counting canned goods like beans, tomatoes, clams, tuna). Things you won't find in my pantry: instant ramen; mac and cheese in a box; Ragu; hamburger "helper." Hey, if you can't or won't cook, I guess you eat that stuff. But I can't deal with the salt content. Also, I have pretty mad cooking skillz and prefer to do things from scratch. The coming weekend's meals will include Mr Minx's amazing meatloaf which I plan to supplement with a side of caramelized cabbage, and homemade 4-cheese mac and cheese (we have so much cheese!) though I haven't decided if it will be the stovetop type or the baked kind (leaning toward the latter). What you will find in my pantry: 6 kinds of fancy French mustard; various gluten-free baking products (thanks to a partnership with Bob's Red Mill); nuts and seeds; tons of chocolate and booze. Reading that sentence over again I realize those ingredients would make one hell of a Chopped basket. "Your basket contains tarragon dijon, gluten free brownie mix, chia seeds, and Lyon Rock N Rum!"

Now on to the tasks at hand: using more colons and semi-colons; writing about Restaurant Wars!

Normally, the team leaders and restaurant concepts are decided in a Quickfire; this season that work was completed in a prior episode. Last week we saw that Kevin and Gregory won with their concepts. This week they put them in action. But first: choosing teams.

Stephanie Izard is still hanging around. She's so tiny, she barely comes up to Padma's shoulder. She claims she has to see how this thing ends.

Kevin and Gregory draw knives to see who gets first choice of their hopefully champion dodge ball team. It's Kevin, who smartly chooses Bryan (he'd be my first pick, too). He tells us that they were in season 6 together and promised to support each other into the finale this season. Gregory looks over the remaining chefs and chooses....Malarkey. Padma is surprised.

I think everyone at home did, too. Melissa was the clear choice here, and Kevin snatches her in the next round. Gregory then takes Lee Anne, Kevin picks Karen, and Gregory is left with Stephanie.

Padma then asks which contestants had been on Restaurant Wars-winning teams in the past; I was surprised to see Stephanie raise her hand. I had thought that her only time on Top Chef was during the ridiculous two-week time-wasting "qualifying" round before Top Chef Season 10 Seattle started in earnest. However, she had also appeared in Season 11, coming in 7th place. Mea culpa. We stopped watching after Season 10.

The teams are told that the winners will get 40K, which is exciting. They first need to plan their menu and design their spaces, which is also exciting. Ingredients are to be procured at Food 4 Less and 7-11, and the decor from Target and Bob's Discount Furniture. Not so exciting. They drive to their respected spaces, matching empty concrete bunkers in DTLA, to plan. Exciting?

Malarkey and Karen volunteer to be front-of-the-house. It's a thankless job, and I don't know why anyone would volunteer to do it for Restaurant Wars. Not only are they responsible for cooking something, but they also have to coordinate the assembly of the restaurant and train the waitstaff. And they have to deal with guests, which of course is the worst thing, because people are hell.

Most of the episode is boring. There's a tiny bit of drama at Target after Malarkey picks out the same melamine plates as Kevin. Kevin gets bleeped and Malarkey apologizes but doesn't mean it.

Gregory decides against making the same oxtail dish as last week, though he keeps a whole fish on the menu. Kevin plans on country captain as his main again, but with approximately 478 side dishes, the thought of which make his crew roll their eyes. Cuz of course they'll be making them.

Both Malarkey and Karen had a real chore setting up the restaurant. We see Malarkey screwing legs onto tables, etc. It's a good thing they didn't have to shop at Ikea. Karen got a late start with setting up her place. I can't imagine why. The two dishes she was preparing for the restaurant were pretty minor.

Speaking of dishes, what did they serve?

Kann
Fried green plantains, salt cod patties, pikliz (Stephanie)
Mixed salad with habanero-lime dressing (Lee Anne)
Twice-cooked pork, stewed chicken, white rice, kidney bean sauce (Gregory)
Whole roasted red snapper (Malarkey)
Pineapple upside-down cake with rum raisin ice cream (Lee Anne)

The Country Captain
Trio of canapes: Chicken liver mousse on brioche (Melissa); Smoked trout puff with caviar and crab louie (both Bryan)
Main course of Country Captain with yellow rice (Kevin) served with  hasselback potato in raclette (Melissa); dilly beans, shrimp and grits, cucumber pickles (Bryan); Madeira glazed mushrooms, and red pepper relish (Karen)
Dessert: warm banana pudding (Kevin)

Honestly, I don't think they get enough time to get their shit together to produce a really stellar meal and design a restaurant experience on top of it. But nobody wants my opinion. After a quick 2 hours of cooking on day 2, the restaurants are open and guests flood in. There are to be 100 of them in 4 hours. Kann's first seating seems to go well, Malarkey appears to be nervous but keeps things moving. There's a bit of squabbling in the kitchen between expediter Lee Anne and the waitstaff, but eventually food does get served. The Country Captain, on the other hand looks like a total meltdown. There are just too many dishes to prepare, and except for the canapes and dessert, everything needs to go out at the same time. There's confusion as to which table already had canapes and who was next. There's a crowd forming out front for the second seating. Karen claims that the first seating just isn't leaving, but it's likely because it took so long for food to come out in the first place.

The judges eat at Kann first and leave pretty happy, despite an initial waiting period for food. There's no oxtail, but everything else is delicious. Then they go next door and notice the people milling about. Luckily, they seem to get a table right away. Maybe not luckily, they get to eat soon too. Not all of the food is delicious. The Country Captain is clearly different from the previous version, and not as good. Bryan's shrimp and grits is substantial enough to serve as a second entree rather than as an accompaniment. Karen's mushrooms suck. And Gail takes umbrage with the texture of the bananas in Kevin's dessert. The judges also notice that Kevin doesn't bother to come out to say hi, though Gregory had.

Judges Table: They waste no time in declaring Kann the winner. Not only do the cheftestants win 40K, but each of them gets a year subscription to OpenTable services for their restaurants.

The judges opine that The Country Captain served too many dishes. The mushrooms sucked. The canapes all had the same texture. Dessert seemed too dry. They want to know why Kevin shouldn't be sent home right then, and he throws himself on the sword. He takes blame for all of his restaurant's issues and Padma tells him to pack his knives.

Kevin next gets to compete against Nini in Last Chance Kitchen while hunky Eric perches on a stool and watches. He'll probably be back. Kevin that is, sadly not Eric.

Next time: dunno. The preview was confusing. Couldn't tell if it was for the next episode, or for the next several. Also, the finale will be filmed in Europe. Bryan says he already has his plane ticket. Hope he has one for me! No wait...we're still stuck at home for the foreseeable future....

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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Top Chef Season 17 All Stars Recap - Episode Seven

Welcome back, faithful readers (all three of you)! I have watched another episode of Top Chef and toiled over a fabulously decently almost kinda entertaining recap to keep your mind off of the shit going on in the world, if only for five minutes. Nobody will get sick in our little Top Chef world, and more importantly, nobody will die. Though some people might not cook too well, and someone will definitely be eliminated.

Before I begin, I'd love to get to know you a little better. After all, you're reading my writing, and I have no idea who you are. Well, I know John and Dave and Lara. Wait, that's all three of you! Never mind then....

Let us proceed then to the Top Chef Kitchen, where Padma is wearing a skin-tight yellow dress, looking like a giant and very exotic banana with boobs, and standing near an imposing pile of wooden crates. Before she introduces the Quickfire Challenge, she mentions Last Chance kitchen. If you remember--that is, if you haven't done so much covid-era boozing that you still have brain cells left--Tom whipped on his chef's coat after the Elimination Challenge last week and declared the immediate start of Last Chance Kitchen. All of the previously eliminated chefs entered the room at that time, I guess to fake out those folks at home who aren't watching the web series. Nini and Karen, who were victims of a double elimination, must face both each other and current LCK winner, Lisa, and make a well-balanced sweet and salty dish. Nini comes out on top, which forces Lisa out. There is then a second battle between Nini and Karen, in which they make a "family meal" style dish. Karen is the winner of that challenge, which puts her back into the main Top Chef competition. Nini remains behind to battle the next eliminated chef. All of this to say that Padma brings out Karen to join the other chefs; last week's "double elimination" was actually only a complicated single elimination.

Padma then introduces the guest judge for the Quickfire--actor Danny Trejo, who happens to love food and cooking and who owns three locations of Trejo's Tacos and one of Trejo's Coffee & Donuts. The cheftestants must create a perfect taco to appease Danny so he doesn't go all Machete on them.. But here's the catch: the only cutting implement they can use is....can we get some dramatic music please! Dun dun DUN! The top create is opened to reveal machetes, one for each chef. Duh. You forgot about those crates already, didn't you?

Cheftestants do the usual scurrying/elbowing each other out of the way thing to grab ingredients. For some odd reason, everyone but two chefs grab fish as their protein. Yuk. Honestly, I've only ever eaten one fish taco that I've enjoyed, and that was the skate taco at Mission Cantina in NYC. I find them to be bland and uninteresting. If you like 'em, that's fine. I prefer pretty much any other meat (except chicken, which is usually either dry and flavorless or just flavorless). The exceptions are Kevin, who makes a spin on al pastor. Instead of pineapple, he uses bananas, no doubt inspired by Padma. He also uses store-bought tortillas, while everyone else seems to be making their own. It's all rather ambitious for a typical 30-minute Quickfire, and Kevin's no dummy. Stephanie apparently isn't either. She sees everyone else going for fish so she grabs some ground lamb. Now, she's never made a lamb taco, but how hard can it be? At least she doesn't have to mince it with her machete.

Speaking of machetes, some folks are having a little difficulty using the giant knife. Meanwhile, Bryan is doing fancy French knife cuts. He's slicing an avocado in wafer-thin slices like it's nothing. I have no doubt that with more time he'd tourne potatoes and brunoise onions, too.

Time is over and Gregory can barely get his clumsy handmade tortilla filled with fish and odd dried chile salsa before Padma and Danny come over to taste. Not only is his tortilla a mess, his taco is just too salty. Lee Ann's battered fish taco has a cheese-crusted tortilla, which Trejo enjoys. Eric fills his tortilla with what looks to be a mere tablespoon of his rockfish and chorizo concoction, and that's no bueno. Padma and Danny continue to bob their heads and grimace at each chef in turn, enthusiastic over Karen's vaguely Korean-esque fish taco and loving Stephanie's rebellious lamb creation. Surprisingly, Stephanie, who has never won anything ever (in her season, she was eliminated in a dastardly and completely unnecessary pre-competition competition) gets the nod and the last immunity of the season.

Whew. That seemed like a lot of words, huh? I'm tired of typing. I think I am going to find a snack. No! Not a liquid one! It's only 10:40am, for shit's sake! Honestly, we've been eating mostly healthy food over the last 7 weeks, and while we're drinking alcohol, we're not drinking more than 3-4 times per week and never more than one drink. I tell you, we're angels. Except for the amounts of pizza I've been putting away. Hey - I'm supporting local, non-chain, restaurants!

Ok, back from the snack. Fresh blueberries and pineapple, thank you very much. I love fruit, and it satisfies my mouth full of sweet teeth.

Padma mentions Restaurant Wars, which makes the cheftestants excited. "Restaurant Wars is...next week." Awww... This week, however, they're trying something new. The cheftestants are going to develop their own pitch for a restaurant, with mood boards and dishes to be presented to the judges.

Speaking of judges, this week's special guest is Top Chef Season 4 winner Stephanie Izard and restaurateur Kevin Boehm. They've opened many successful restaurants between them and are uniquely qualified to determine which cheftestant presents the best ideas. Unlike Padma and Gail, who haven't opened restaurants. The two best pitches will be the themes for Restaurant Wars, and the crappiest will send its creator home.

First the chefs need to do some arts and crafts. They head back to the Top Chef Mansion where they find fabric samples, random plates and cutlery (though sadly no machetes), poster paint, stickers, and big tubs of glitter. Within a few minutes, the chefs are beadazzling all of the food in the fridge and fingerpainting the countertops. Well, in my fantasy version they are. In actuality, they are seriously considering their dream restaurant concepts. Except Stephanie, who is a personal chef with no dreams of opening her own place. Kevin, Bryan, and Malarkey are old hands at this, having opened approximately 274 restaurants between them, the vast majority of which belong to Malarkey. For some bizarre reason, many of his restaurants are named after fabrics: Searsucker (sic) was first, followed by Herringbone, Corduroy, Gingham, Burlap, Gabardine, Pleather, Doubleknit, Spandex, Quiana, Kevlar, and Chiengora.

After shopping, the cheftestants get to their cubbies in the TC Kitchen and prepare dishes that would represent those offered in their dream restaurants. While they're cooking, Padma, Tom, Gail, Stephanie, and Kevin Boehm wander through and take their seats at the Altar of Judgement. Tom must have been playing with small children recently, because he states, "look at all the num-nums."

First we see Kevin's restaurant, The Country Captain, named after the famous southern curried chicken dish. He prepared a version of the namesake dish using braised and roasted chicken. The judges all murmur appreciatively. Next up is Eric, who everyone can clearly see is in the weeds and needs help from Bryan and Lee Anne. His concept is called Middle Passage and he seeks to express the African diaspora through food. Sadly, he offers overcooked duck, oversalted broth, and just plain bad technique. Gregory's concept is Kann, after the Haitian name for sugar cane (and pronounced the same way), and he serves oxtail and a whole fish, both of which look amazing. Bryan sets up his board and I can see the concept is Thatcher and the Rye. Immediately I know that it's named after his son, Thatcher. Is it creepy that I know the name of his son? Is it worse that I know he also has two daughters, Piper and Ever? Okay then. He wants the restaurant to be everyday accessible Mid-Atlantic cuisine, but as per usual his food is on the fine dining end of the scale.

(The book is Catcher IN the Rye, so the name doesn't really work.)

Karen's Three Black Crowes serves modern dim sum, though the judges feel her dishes skew more Italian than Asian. The judges aren't feeling the food at Lee Anne's Hanai Mama--one dish was too salty and the other not seasoned enough. Also what differentiates her concept from other Hawaiian restaurants? (Because there are Hawaiian restaurants everywhere, right?) Stephanie named Lucy C's after her dog, and serves food that she should have just given to the dog like salmon pate and schnitzel. The judges joke that she should have named her place "Immunity," short for "Good Thing I Have Immunity, Otherwise I'd Be Out of Here." Malarkey thought the concept he invented during the Quickfire - Baja Asian street food - would sell well to Millennials. He then reveals that the restaurant is named in honor of Shrek--Donkey and Dragon, or D2. The dude is wacky, but he does have a LOT of ideas. Finally, Melissa serves up Sabrina, named after her grandmother, featuring Modern Asian California cuisine like ahi tuna and corn agnolotti, which the judges agree was the best-crafted dish of the day.

Last week there were two losers, and this week there will be two winners. Malarkey makes it to the top with D2, as does Melissa with Sabrina, but the two concepts that will be going on to next week's Restaurant Week battle are Kevin's Country Captain and Gregory's Kann.

On the bottom are Stephanie, who has immunity and is therefore safe, Lee Anne, and Eric. Neither had a strong concept, and Eric's seemed confused. His food fell short as well, and he was sent to Last Chance Kitchen to battle Nini.

Next week: Considering I mentioned it a few times already in this post, you should already know that it will be Restaurant Wars!

* Any products in this post that are mentioned by name may have been provided to Minxeats by the manufacturer. However, all opinions belong to Minxeats. Amazon links earn me $! Please buy!

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