Top Chef New York Reunion Special

Andy Cohen opens the show by asking the assembled cheftestants if any of them think they have been voted fan favorite. Stefan actually raises his hand. Seriously, with the asshole edit they gave him, he thinks he has a chance at winning Fan Favorite?

C'mon, we're not that all-powerful. Plus we haven't exactly been nice.

Don't mince words, Tom, tell him what you really think. Stefan then admits that he voted for himself so he would get at least a couple of votes.

Next up on the reunion:

We then see a montage of the Hose. I'll spare you the gory details.

They discuss the finale a bit. Tom says the food was pretty good, and Padma says the judging was very close. Stefan tells them he was happy that he did not win, and everyone looks at him as if he's suddenly got three heads. Or sprouted some hair.

Then:

But you also have a predilection towards pan-European guys. We have proof.

Maybe it's just his perfectly-shaped bald head that turns Fabio on?

Thanks to Stefan for telling us that he and Fabio did not have "sexy time." Not that I wanted a mental image of that, thankyouverymuch.

To show his undying love for his European compatriot, Stefan is presented with an I Heart Fabio t-shirt, available, of course, at the Bravo store.

Several of the cheftestants were eliminated on or around their birthdays: Daniel, Gene, Radhika, and everyone's favorite ho....

So now we know the explanation for Padma's face when she PPYKAGed Leah. She found humor in the situation.

Ok - enough with the montages for now.

Andy reads a viewer question aimed at Gail: is Toby the Simon Cowell of Top Chef? She doesn't think so. In fact, she didn't seem impressed by him at all.

Ok - let's have another montage. Sigh.

Next comes several questions relating to this season's little fauxmance:

When asked about their home situations, both the Hose and Leah admitted that their significant others dumped their cheating asses soon after they arrived back home.

The Hose had a perfectly reasonable excuse for their actions:

They were drunk and horny. And extremely desperate.

When asked if they were currently in a romantic relationship, Hosea was quick to claim they were just friends. "Friends with benefits?" snarked Andy. The hose said they were in different cities, so that made things difficult. And neither would move for the other. Uh-huh. But as this Page Six item shows, they're happy to make time for each other when both happen to be in New York. (ugh)

Tom then asked if anyone had an issue with their relationship. Besides the viewers who were squicked out by the whole thing. Stefan, in his charming way, said "who gives a shit?"

We then see scenes of the cheftestants going crazy in the Glad Family of Products Commemorative Stew 'n' Imbibe Room, where they made beds and volleyball nets using Glad products. Gotta get that product placement into the reunion special somehow!

We also see scenes of Leah and Jamie getting hammered on beer while waiting for the verdict of the Superbowl challenge. Both knew they were safe from elimination, so they figured it couldn't hurt. They looked like idiots, but this was one case where Bravo's editors saved their asses. As Padma reminded them, they were on national television. Or in this case, on the cutting room floor.

Next was a question for Stefan regarding his cockiness. This was a good time for Andy to remind us that...

Stefan thinks Gail is "so cute" and Padma is "totally hot." (But we know Fabio has his heart.) He still loves Jamie, of course, even if no amount of tequila would let her sleep with him. According to him, she has a "great rack." At that comment, Tom retorted, "rack of lamb, right?"

The cheftestants then reveal their nicknames, which the viewers did not get to hear during the show. Stefan dubbed Jeff "Don 'Sorbet' Johnson" because he made sorbets in just about every challenge. Leah was "Ho fo' sho'" which couldn't have been any more appropriate. And Ariane seemed to like being called "Cougar" or "Coogs" even though that nickname is actually somewhat insulting.

Another astute viewer wrote in to suggest that Jamie was a big whiner, something I pointed out early on.

Finally, we were back to the task at hand:

Andy said there was lots of campaigning for the prize, particularly on Facebook. Richard was one of the guilty parties.

And the winner is: Fabio!

And that's all folks! Top Chef Season Five is finito! But don't dispair - Top Chef Masters will start up sometime this calendar year (I'm hoping) and I'll be recapping that here as well. Stick around!